


Reality Is Merely an Illusion (Albeit A Very Persistent One)

by brokenhighways



Series: Rejecting Reality [2]
Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - Crack, Alternate Universe - Reality Show, Angst with a Happy Ending, Drama & Romance, Fake/Pretend Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-09-09
Updated: 2013-09-09
Packaged: 2017-12-26 04:07:20
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,307
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/961383
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/brokenhighways/pseuds/brokenhighways
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen Ackles really needs to start reading his own contracts. That's the conclusion he comes to when his agent, Chad, lets him know that Bravo is going to show up at his house in two weeks to start filming the second season of his Real Housewives (and Househusbands) reality show. [Real Housewives AU - again]</p>
            </blockquote>





	Reality Is Merely an Illusion (Albeit A Very Persistent One)

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: I do not own anyone mentioned in this fic, none of this ever happened.
> 
> Title is from an Einstein quote. This is a sequel to Rejecting Reality In Favor of Substitution.

~ **SEASON TWO** ~  
  
Jensen Ackles really needs to start reading his own contracts. That's the conclusion he comes to when his agent, Chad, lets him know that Bravo is going to show up at his house in two weeks to start filming for his  _Real Housewives (and Househusbands)_  show. Apparently, Jensen signed up for two extra seasons last month.  
  
Jensen has no recollection of reading about an additional season.  
  
"Did you not read the contract before you signed it?" Chad asks as Jensen is indulging in a double chocolate muffin. "Wait, wrong question, did you not get  _Jared_  to read the contract?" Jensen sighs. Chad should really know by now that no self-respecting actor reads their own contracts. Jensen might not be a household name; and his last memorable role might have occurred at a time when frosted tips were still acceptable, but he still retains some of his self-respect.  
  
"You're my Mr. 10%, Chad," Jensen says. "It's in your job description."  
  
"I'm your Mr. 0%, Jensen,” Chad says. “You haven’t exactly been in demand in the past few years.” Jensen sighs. Chad’s right. Despite all of the attention the show has garnered, Jensen hasn’t heard a pipsqueak from any casting agents. He’s been to three auditions and he’s been passed up for someone younger and hotter every time.  
  
“Put down the double chocolate muffin,” Chad says down the line just as Jensen is about to take another bite. Jensen puts the muffin down. He surveys his kitchen for hidden cameras.  
  
“How did you know that I was eating a muffin?” he asks eventually, sure that Chad is probably silently cackling at him.  
  
“Jared tweeted a picture of them when he was at the bakery,” Chad says. Jensen grumbles under his breath. Twitter. According to Bravo, he's contractually obligated to have one of those things. And for a hot minute, he’d actually become a Twitbot, or whatever people on Twitter call themselves.  _All you have to do is an AMA for an hour_ , is what Mark had said. Jensen loves his fans but, he doesn't even know what brand of toilet paper he uses; he doesn’t understand why anyone thinks that is important information. Also, after the influx of tweets from a woman claiming to be his wife, he’d given up.  
  
“Did you call me just to tell me that cameras are going to show up at my house?” Jensen asks.  
  
“Well, I got two phone calls this morning,” Chad says slowly. “One was from  _Bravo_ , and one was from a casting director for a new show. They’re recasting the pilot.”  
  
“You know, you could have just led with that when I answered the phone,” Jensen says dryly. “And you wonder  _why_  I screen your calls?”  
  
“I thought that you having a steady boyfriend would make you less grouchy; evidently I was wrong.”  
  
“Blow me, Chad.”  
  
“In your wildest dreams, Ackles.”  
  
Jensen stifles a laugh, “So what is this new show? It’s not another reality show is it? Because one is all I can handle right now.”  
  
“It’s a new show called WizAlien,” Chad says. Jensen frowns to himself. WizAlien? “It’s about a half wizard, half-alien who accidentally lands on Planet Earth. He has to successfully blend in, in order to evade capture, but wherever he goes, trouble seems to find him.” Jensen puts his head in his hands. It’s not exactly the high-charged drama show he’s been waiting for, but he can’t really afford to be picky.  
  
“What role do they want me for?” he asks.  
  
“WizAlien’s scientist friend, Dr Fitzy Matthews,” Chad says in a toneless voice, as if he’s reading straight from a piece of paper. “A clever genius who is also heartthrob with a dark past. They want to you to come to the read-through tomorrow - I’ll fax you the script now - but you’re looking at being cast as a recurring character with a six-episode arc.” Jensen takes in all of what Chad says, he really does. However, there are certain things that he can’t not question.  
  
“ _Fitzy Matthews_?” he asks. “Really?”  
  
“It’s short for Fitzgerald,” Chad says.  
  
“That does not make it any less terrible.”  
  
“Look, are you taking the role or not?” Chad says. “I kind of need to let them know today.”  
  
“Fine, sign me up.”  
  
Jensen has bills to pay after all.  
  
~  
  
When Jensen tells Jared about WizAlien, Jared laughs for a full ten minutes. By the time he’s finished laughing, Jensen’s about to step into the building where the read-through is taking place. He says his goodbyes quickly, frowning at the thought of not seeing Jared again for a couple of days. Jared’s expanding his restaurant business in another state (under his ex-girlfriend’s name, because Bravo is adamant that no one finds any proof that Jared was his fake boyfriend during season one). It means that he’s out of town for long periods of time while he’s setting things up. And unfortunately for Jensen, Jared’s contracted to be around for the three months that they shoot the next season, so he’s going to have to share Jared with the cameras. It sucks.  
  
“Jensen?” Jensen’s is thrown out of his thoughts by a very familiar voice. He looks up to see Mark, the producer of the Housewives show, staring at him.  
  
“What are you doing here?” Jensen asks.  
  
“We got word that you’re on a new show,” Mark says. “And we thought that it’d be a good idea to catch some footage.”  
  
Jensen sighs heavily.  
  
~  
  
The cast of WizAlien is made up of a bunch of nobodies and some guy who was on Criminal Minds once. Jensen only knows this because he’d auditioned for the role, failed to get it, and watched the episode with his eyes narrowed as he thought about how this douchebag had snatched a role from him. The guy's name is Jason and he has a bored air about him, like he’s above the rest of them in terms of ability (and fame). The fact that Jensen doesn't even know his last name says otherwise.  
  
“ _Help! Is anybody there_?” Jason is saying when Jensen tunes back in. Even though it’s just a table read, his delivery is flat and terrible. Jensen’s not sure who gave this guy the role. The show runner tells Jason to run it again and he does it in the same flat tone. Now, Jensen could take out his phone and start texting like the girl next to him is doing, or he could snicker the way Mark is, or he could look as embarrassed as the rest of the people at the table. However, he's on a show called WizAlien (as well as Real Housewives (and Husbands) of [town redacted]). He's past being embarrassed. So he slams his hand on the table (mostly for effect).  
  
"Look, if you can't do this now, how's it going to show up on screen?" he says, glaring at Jason. Jensen picks up the script and delivers the opening lines. Once he's done, the room is silent. Mark is typing away furiously on his phone. Eventually the show runner clears his throat and declares that it's time for a break.  
  
By the end of day, Jensen's no longer Fitzy Matthews; he's bagged himself a leading role on a network show.  
  
He’s going to be WizAlien.  
  
~  
  
Two weeks later, Jensen finds himself at lunch with two of the new members on the Real Housewives show. Jared's present too, because they’re fan favourites blah, blah, blah. Anyway, the new members are a young, faux-Christian couple called Alona and Aldis. They're running a local magazine and they want to feature Jensen's old house. Originally, Mark tried to sell this as a meeting with people willing to rent the house but then he'd text failed and had been forced to come clean.  
  
"What's the name of the magazine again?" Jared asks as the stylist tries to tame his hair. He looks tired, probably because he's been working flat out since season one. Jensen wants nothing more than to skip out on  _Bravo_  and drag Jared to some private island so they can laze around on the beach all day. But, contracts in Hollywood (or well, not-quite-Hollywood in Jensen’s case) are akin to making deals with the devil. If you try to renege, you’ll end up getting burned.  
  
"A."  
  
"Eh?" Jared gives him a confused look and Jensen laughs.  
  
"No, the letter 'A'." Before Jared can reply, the stylists and director clear out of the way and a waiter comes over to serve them. The script calls for Jensen to quickly promote his new show (Jensen's just pretending that they hired him for his acting, it's easier) and then they are to discuss the magazine piece. Of course that's not how it goes.  
  
He's halfway through explaining the plot of WizAlien when Alona, Aldis and  _Jared_  break into peaks of laughter.  
  
"CUT!" the director yells, because it is not like he's going to be directing any blockbusters in his lifetimes. He might as well fulfil all of his clichés now. "Could you guys maybe try that without laughing? God, they don't pay me enough for this bullshit." Jensen seems to be the only one who hears him. He kindly informs the directors that that’ll be the best take he gets.  
  
"So, you wanted to talk about showcasing your house in our magazine?" Alona asks as she toys with her salad.  
  
"Yes," Jensen says with as much fake enthusiasm as he can muster. "It's still on the market and my realtor says that some exposure would be good." His realtor hasn't said anything of the sort. And if said realtor didn't happen to live a few doors down from him, Jensen would think that she'd disappeared of the face of Earth.  
  
"Right, well, I gotta level with you man," Aldis says around his fish fillet. "We can't give you the cover." Jensen shares a look with Jared that he hopes conveys his overwhelming desire to be maimed and killed just so that he doesn't have to suffer through any more of this torture. The "script" calls for Jensen to make a fuss about being on the cover but he's bribed Jared to take the heat this time around. Later, Jensen's going to regret his decision, but for now he's happy to sit back and watch this nonsense unfold.  
  
“Well, Jensen didn’t ask for the cover,” Jared says. He’s still smiling at Aldis, but it’s taken on a darker edge. Jensen watches as Alona turns to Jared and smiles back at him (it’s obviously fake, but Jensen gives her a D for effort).  
  
“No offence but, we’re business people and you’re a glorified personal trainer,” she says mock-sweetly. “Let the grown-ups talk okay?”  
  
“What my wife is trying to say,” Aldis cuts in quickly, “is that Jared might not have the business acumen that we do.” This might be where Jensen should cut in and try to smooth things over, but instead his mind goes blank and he sits there.  
  
“Maybe you should tell your wife that I have a business degree and that I’ve got experience running very successful businesses, unlike your stupid magazine,” Jared says sharply.  
Jensen tries his best not to put his head in his hands.  
  
“If you’re so good at business, why are you working as a personal trainer in  _his_  gym?” Alona asks, smiling deviously before she continues. “Or maybe all of that is a front?”  
  
“What Jared meant to say is that he has experience with the day to day running of the gym; he’s like my eyes and ears at that place,” Jensen says with a nervous laugh. Jared turns to glare at him.  
  
“That is not what I meant to say. At all.” His voice is so sharp that Jensen’s pretty sure that even Aldis and Alona will be able to tell that Jared's kind of pissed off. Silence falls over the table and Jensen bites his lip.  
  
“So....,” he says. “How much is it to advertise in your magazine?”  
  
“$5,000 per page,” Aldis says just as Alona says, “$8,000 per page”. Jared chokes on his water and Jensen spends the next two minutes whacking him on the back.  
  
~  
  
 _ **EXCLUSIVE! JENSEN ACKLES IN FAKE RELATIONSHIP SHOCKER!  
August 19th**  
  
One of America’s latest reality beaus has been exposed....for hiring someone to pretend to be his boyfriend! Yes, the sarcastic, handsome and extremely witty Jensen Ackles and his perfect boyfriend really were too good to be true. A source (that we cannot reveal - sorry!) informed us that, Jared Padalecki - a good friend of Ackles’ agent - agreed to play the part in order to boost ratings on the first season of newly revamped Real Housewives franchise. The [town redacted] version of the show boasted fantastic ratings that rivalled some of Bravo’s best (worst?) programming.  
  
Here at Reality Rawr, we don’t like to sound off without proof. So you can see some scans of the paperwork that Padalecki signed last year down below! Further investigating lead us to discover that Padalecki owns a successful restaurant here in [town redacted] and is currently opening another one in Seattle.  
  
We all know that reality TV is about as real as ‘natural’ double D’s in the OC, but Jared and Jensen sure had us fooled!_  
  
~  
  
 _ **EXCLUSIVE!! JENSEN ACKLES FIRED FROM HIS NEW SHOW AFTER REALITY TV SCANDAL!  
August 23rd**  
  
We reported several months ago that Jensen Ackles had been cast in an upcoming show called WizAlien (which probably won’t last more than four episodes - but still). The showrunner Cue Jones (yes, that’s his real name!) revealed last night in an exclusive interview that Jensen Ackles’s character would be written off after the second episode. Despite the fact that Ackles had been promoted to the lead role, Jones explained that the network did not want any bad publicity ruining any future success of the show. When it was put to Jones that any publicity was good publicity, he merely laughed and said, “Hey I don’t make the rules!”  
  
Ackles is yet to comment. _  
  
~  
  
Jensen's not really the kind of person who becomes visibly angry. Instead, he wears his feigned stoicism and indifference as armour and proceeds to ignore the fuck out of anyone who gets in his way. Unfortunately, Jared's never seen him this mad before so he spends the better part of a day attempting to talk to Jensen, with limited success. And in the end he---  
  
 ** _EXCLUSIVE!!! JARED PADALECKI SEEN LEAVING THE HOME HE SHARES WITH JENSEN ACKLES!_**  
  
Which leads to--  
  
 ** _EXCLUSIVE!!!! JENSEN ACKLES' EX-WIFE SEEN MOVING INTO HIS TOWNHOUSE!--_**  
  
By the time Jensen's calmed down, he's halfway through exploring his options. Namely suing every single trashy tabloid that he can. When he tells Danneel about this, she stares at him blankly.  
  
"Look, I'm here living in your house, because I had to file for  _bankruptcy_."  
  
"Yes, I heard you when you turned up on my doorstep unannounced and started false rumors about us."  
  
"Remember what you said when you threw me out of my dream home in the middle of our divorce?" Danneel replies. "You said that when I eventually ended up bankrupt and homeless, you'd laugh in my face."  
  
"That was before I realised that I'd have to pay you spousal support," Jensen grumbles.  
  
"If the cameras weren't here you'd laugh in my face," Danneel says. "You can't deny it." The sad thing is that she's wrong. He can't blame her because their marriage had basically been four years of point scoring, deliberate humiliation and douchebaggery. He'd laughed whenever she'd toppled over in her ridiculous shoes and she keyed his Maserati. She turned up at one of his premiere parties drunk and he cancelled all of her credit cards. It was how they rolled. Jensen smiles as she recounts all of this, in front of the cameras no less, because after all of these years she still has no filter.  
  
"I only bought that car because you wanted something else," he says with a smirk.  
  
"And I only married you for your money," she says.  
  
"Look where that got you," Jensen says. He's not going to outright gloat because according to Jared, if Jensen wants his life to go according to plan, he needs to be nicer. And, well, considering the fact that Jared isn't here at the moment, Jensen probably isn't doing a very good job.  
  
"On a serious note, thanks for letting me stay with you," Danneel says abruptly. "I wasn't sure that you'd be open to the idea." She seems sincere, and there appears to be a genuine expression of gratitude in her eyes.  
  
Jensen is suddenly lost for words. Maybe he has taken Jared's words on board, just not when it comes to Jared, himself.  
  
~  
  
A few days after that, Jensen finds himself at the airport for their annual Bravo-funded vacation. This year they're going to London, because Chris supposedly spent a lot of his childhood there (he didn’t, but hey, who cares?), so he's flying them all out so they can drink tea with the Queen and sip Bacardi with One Direction.  
  
"CUT!" Jensen yells jokingly, right there outside of the airport, because really? A tweenage boyband is the best sound bite that Bravo could come up with? "We are not drinking with any boy bands. I love my eardrums too much." Not to mention that Chris' story is still bullshit.  
  
"Maybe you can just sit in a corner and have a silent mood swing while we drink with boy bands," Jared says with a smile. It's the first thing he's said to Jensen since he's arrived and Jensen is just glad to hear his voice, even if there is a hint of underlying anger in it. Sure, they could have met up somewhere more private and hashed this out, but Jared hasn't answered any of his calls.  
  
Or well, his  _call_. Jensen kind of sucks at relationships.  
  
"I think everyone is here," Danneel says loudly. "Let's go!" Everyone is: Chris, Danneel, Jared, Mike, Tom, Aldis and Alona. Jensen's not really been involved with the group due to his shooting commitments, so he's still not too keen on Alona and Aldis and he still doesn't know Mike and Tom that well. Though, judging by the way Tom is glaring at him, he knows  _something_  about Jensen.  
  
"I just think you should know that the way you're treating Jared is morally reprehensible," he says as they're walking through the terminal. "You might be fake on camera, but I didn't know that you could stoop this low." Jensen blinks at Tom. Truth be told, he hasn't read his script so he's not sure if this is a genuine opinion or a  _Bravo_  approved one. Quite frankly, he doesn't care. So he shoves his ear buds in his ears and brushes past Tom.  
  
~  
  
Jensen decides to use the flight to try and smooth things over with Jared. There won’t be any cameras rolling so they can be as real as they want. Unfortunately, Jared goes as far as to call the flight attendant over when Jensen refuses to budge from the seat next to him. They’re in the economy/coach seats, for God’s sake, it’s not like Jensen can sit in the gangway.  
  
“Aren’t you Jensen Ackles?” the overly-chirpy flight attendant asks after she listens to Jared’s concerns (“This man is harassing me!”) Jensen does his best not to roll his eyes.  
  
“I get that a lot,” he says, because really no one who isn’t already obsessed with him recognises him. Jensen does not, under any circumstances, want to meet anyone who is obsessed with him.  
  
“And oh em gee, you’re Jared Padalecki!”  
  
Oh good god, she’s watched season one of the show.  
  
“I can get you guys moved up to first class if you want; there are still some seats available.”  
  
Okay, so maybe Jensen’s willing to meet the obsessive fans who actually benefit his life in a positive way.  
  
~  
  
 _Bravo_  is putting them up at a nice hotel, thankfully. It’s probably why they skimped on the plane seats. There’s no point in making sure they have leg room if the cameras aren’t rolling. Anyway, they make up for the downtime by filming them in the limousine on the way to the hotel. Jared, who successfully managed to ignore Jensen - even in first class - spends the entire drive staring out of the window, ignoring the multiple texts that Jensen sends him. Jensen’s stuck sandwiched between Aldis and Alona and eventually he’s dragged into a conversation with them.  
  
“So, we were shocked to read about you and Jared’s….business arrangement,” Alona says. “I mean, when I had lunch with your ex-wife, I didn’t think that she’d carry out her threat.”  
  
“Which ex-wife?” Jensen asks, because no one ever cares that he has more than one - he always has to ask them to specify.  
  
“Tania,” Aldis answers. “Her ex-husband - the other one, not  _you_  - is our accountant. We thought she was drunk when she started going on about how y’all were just faking your relationship for the camera. We did not encourage her to leak those documents to the press.”  
  
Alona smiles at Jensen. “I did try to talk her out of it, but…” If she wasn't female and 5 foot tiny, Jensen would throttle her. But she is and there are cameras, so Jensen leans over and slides down the partition and tells the driver to pull over. He then gets out, and spends the next twenty minutes persuading Mark to send him another car. Jensen thinks he's earned the right to at least throw  _one_  diva fit. A squabble breaks out between Danneel and Alona and Jensen tunes them out in favour of beckoning Jared over. Jared glares at him for a second before he turns away and whispers something to Chris - the  _traitor_. They're waiting for another car to pick Jensen up so Jensen tells the driver to shove them all back in while he waits by the side of the road.  
  
Surprisingly, Jared's still there when the limo takes off again. Sure, the first thing he says is "You're not forgiven." but Jensen can work with this.  
  
~  
  
"Look, I'm bad at apologies," Jensen says when they're in the car. "So here's what I'm going to do. I'm going to write you a list of things that I'm sorry for and you can read it and respond however you want." Jared blinks at him slowly, as if he has no idea what Jensen is talking about. But the thing is that Jensen  _is_  kind of bad at apologising. When he was twelve, he broke his mom's vase. Instead of saying sorry and doing the time like an obedient child, he went out and bought her another one and presented it to her with the wise words, " _Let's face it, mom, the old one was ugly._ " She grounded him for a month, but the S word was not uttered once.  
  
Jensen would later come to realise that he was kind of an asshole.  
  
~  
  
The next day, Jared waits until they’re halfway through their tour of the  _Tate Modern Gallery_  before he flips the fuck out, right there in front of all of the cameras and bemused guests. Chris bumps Jensen with his arm as they walk past a recycled can glued to plywood.  
  
"I take it that you haven't fixed things with lover boy," he says. “I heard Danneel letting him know that while you were a fucking dimwit who's emotionally stunted, you have a good heart." Jensen sighs. Really. He doesn't know what to do about Jared. The list idea seemed like a good idea at the time. But Danneel groaned when he told her about it while Chris laughed and laughed, and then laughed some more.  
  
"We're working on it," Jensen says warily. "What's up with you? How's the album going?"  
  
"They suggested a country dubstep fusion to me the other day," Chris says, uppper lip curled in disgust. "Are they fucking serious? I'm telling you, son, if you ever see a 'Christian Kane song billed with 'featuring Skrillex' you have my permission to institutionalize me."  
  
"I wish I had your sense of self preservation, I would not have spent the past month with fucking antennae sticking out the side of my head." The camera man to Jensen's left rolls his eyes and Jensen frowns. He hasn't been bitching about WizAlien that much. Chris starts laughing and with a huff, Jensen goes over to join Jared, who's standing by Aldis in front of a painting that actually looks identifiable. Some of the abstract art in this place is fucking weird.  
  
"You okay?" he asks, because Jared looks a little sullen.  
  
"No, I'm not!" Jared says loudly. "I have a boyfriend who's a stupid jerk." Jensen can tell that Jared's only adhering to Bravo's no foul language policy (which most of them ignore). But still.  
  
"That's a little harsh, don't you think?" Jensen snaps because this whole thing is tiring. They're halfway across the globe and Jared's mad at him because Jensen got pissed off and didn't want to talk about it over cookies and milk? It's old. Jared seems to take offence when Jensen points this out.  
  
"I baked those cookies myself!" Jared says, apparently not caring that a. people are starting to stare and b.  _Bravo_  will put this shit on TV.  
  
"Did you personally milk the damn cow yourself too?" Jensen shoots back, because hey, maybe he doesn't care either. "I'm tired of the cold shoulder, Jared. These past few days have been tough for me and you haven't been here. If anything,  _I_  should be mad."  
  
"Jensen, honey," Danneel starts to say which just rubs Jensen the wrong way, because he's heard it all too many times.  
  
"Don't  _Jensen, honey_  me, I've done everything short of---"  
  
"Say sorry?" Danneel cuts in. Jensen's mouth opens and closes a few times before he finally snaps it shut. Quite frankly, this has nothing to do with her but he's not going to yell at her in public.  
  
"Guys, maybe we should take this somewhere else," Alona says.  
  
"This is all your fault," Jensen growls back at her.  
  
"No, it's yours!" Jared yells, eyes blazing with fury as he glares at Jensen accusingly.  
  
"I need me some popcorn," Chris says as he watches on in amusement. The jackass. They're thrown out by the manager, camera guys racing after them as they're escorted out. As they approach the door, a young woman bounds up to them excitedly with her notebook held out in front of her. Jared grabs it and writes  **JENSEN ACKLES IS AN ASSHOLE**  in giant letters before signing it with a flourish. Jensen grabs the book from Jared and alters the message to say  **JENSEN ACKLES HA ~~I~~ S A ~~N~~  GREAT ASSHOLE**. (In hindsight, he probably should have crossed off the ' **HOLE** ')  
  
Jared scoffs and then exits the building, and Jensen is hot on his heels. They end up standing around outside glaring at each other. It kind of hits Jensen there, in the eight months that they've been dating, this is their first  _real_  argument. He's kind of surprised that it’s taken this long.  
  
"You know, at this point in the argument me and Jensen would totally be having angry sex on the floor right about now." Danneel sounds wistful. Jensen is aghast. Jared chokes on the water he happened to be drinking. Chris guffaws loudly because he's Chris; life's a big joke to him until someone tries to shove a dub step fusion in his face. Aldis looks mortified.  
  
Alona clears her throat loudly and says, "All of you need to accept Jesus into your lives. Maybe you'll be happier."  
  
"Why don't you put Jesus on the front of your magazine," Jensen snaps, because Alona's faith is about as real as Pamela Anderson's breasts.  
  
"Oh we have!" she says brightly. "He was on the front page of issue #1!"  
  
In that moment right there, Jensen actually prays for God to give him strength. Being trapped in a foreign country with someone that he dislikes has to be the worst thing ever.  
  
~  
  
After heading back to the hotel to get changed, they have some sort of restaurant experience to go to. They'll be watching while some British chef that Jensen has never heard of prepares their meal. He's dressed and ready to go two hours before they're set to leave, so he goes to harass Danneel, who just happens to be on her way to the spa in order to prepare for her scene with Alona. Jensen can’t say that he blames her.  
  
“What scene are you shooting?” he asks. Mark’s been leaving him a bunch of text messages about going off script but Jensen shrugs them all off. One of them needs to maintain the realness here. It might as well be Jensen.  
  
“The one where I tell Alona that I’ve been declared bankrupt.” Jensen winces in sympathy. Alona’s whole storyline – besides wanting to feature Jensen’s house – is that she’s an old high school buddy of Danneel who’s just moved into the area. The sad thing is that it’s true.  
  
“Good luck.”  
  
“Oh this is nothing,” Danneel says. “When we get back home we have to film her daughter’s birthday party. She’s six.”  
  
Jensen can actually feel the camera zooming in on his horrified face.  
  
~  
  
The dinner manages to go off without a hitch, surprisingly. Jared is civil, if not a little too handsy with the chef. But Jensen is really too busy pretending that the food tastes great to glare at Jared. And really, he’s kind of tired of arguing. He’s just going to leave this whole Jared mess behind him for the time being. With that thought in mind, Jensen gets ready for bed, thankful that the cameras are gone. He kind of wishes that Jared was here with him, but he’s got his own room. Jensen thinks about maybe heading in but…  
His phone starts ringing loudly and Jensen jumps.  
  
“What?” he says down the line as his heart beats rapidly.  
  
“Hello to you too, asshole,” Chad’s voice comes down the line and Jensen sighs. He’s been waiting for this phone call. “Mark sent me the dailies for today. Can you and Jared please have fake make-up sex and pretend to like each other again? You are contracted to be Jared’n’Jensen – fan favourite! No one cares about your actual personal lives.”  
  
“I’m fine, thanks for asking. How are you?”  
  
“When have we ever done pleasantries?”  
  
“Yeah, yeah, yeah,” Jensen says. “I thought you were calling to tell me that you were going to break my legs for breaking Jared’s heart.”  
  
“What?” Chad says. “Oh. You mean the break-up? Nope. It’s been good for business.”  
  
“I need someone to threaten to break my legs.”  
  
“Well you won’t get it from me, buddy,” Chad says. “I warned Jay. I told him that you were a self-centred asshole who spends too much time eating Cheetos and feeling sorry for himself. I told him that when shit the fan, you’d freeze him out and not care that the media are harassing his friends and family, jeopardising his business and selling stories about him smoking pot back in high school. All while they call him a media whore who wanted fame and fortune. I warned him but he fell for you anyway. This is not my fault, no matter how much Jared insists that it is. I mean, who falls for the most bitchiest client that their best friend has? Seriously.”  
  
“I’m your  _only_  client,” Jensen points out because this fact always makes him feel important.  
  
Chad hangs up and texts him a ‘ _fuck u_ ’.  
  
~  
  
Things are much more subdued the next day. They follow Chris to some recording studio, and spend an hour talking to some producer and listening as Chris drops a couple of tracks. An idea forms in Jensen’s mind as he watches Jared play with some of the controls.  
  
He’s going to write and sing Jared a song of apology.  
  
“You’re insane,” Chris says when Jensen tells him his idea. “There’s no way that we can write a song in one hour, record it and have it ready for today.”  
  
“I’ve already written it,” Jensen says as he leans over and shows Chris the three paragraphs he’s written in the notes application on his phone. “I just need a catchy tune.”  
  
“Hmm,” Chris says, with a glint in his eye. “Give me a second okay. I just need to call the record company.”  
  
And that’s how Chris ends up with a dub-step country fusion song on his album titled “Sorry (featuring Jensen Ackles)”.  
~  
  
Jensen’s first (and last) performance of the song goes like this. They’re in some club with awful lighting and seats that make his butt hurt. This music is shit. The drinks are ridiculously expensive (Jensen checks with the currency converter on his phone because his mind only works with prices that are in dollars). Even the dancing crowd in the middle of the club are shit. Chris goes up to perform later on in the evening and Jensen does the usual thing; he sings along, he requests  _Freebird_  (hey, it’s tradition!) and he even gets up to sing Jared the song he wrote.  
  
Jared’s reaction is a laughing fit of such epic proportions that his face turns red and everybody freaks out for a good ten minutes when he starts choking.  
  
“That…was…hilarious,” Jared manages to say, in between blowing in air from a brown paper bag that he got from a bartender. Apparently the temperature of the club and laughing fits don't really agree with each other.  
  
“I wrote the song,” Jensen says. “For you, I’m sorry for being such a jerk over the past couple of weeks. I should have made sure that you were okay after the whole media storm instead of just focusing on me and my own melodrama.” Jensen makes sure he keeps his eyes focused on Jared, because the camera guy to his left is inching closer, and he kind of wants to yell at the guy.  
  
“It’s okay,” Jared says, putting the paper bag down somewhere. Jensen watches as some girl grabs the bag and starts squealing with joy. “You’re forgiven on one condition.”  
  
“What’s that?” Jensen says.  
  
“You have got to sing that song at Alona’s daughter’s birthday party. I triple dare you.”  
  
~  
  
After taking the subway (or “tube” because British people are weird) to Heathrow, they touch down at around midnight and go to their respective homes. Jensen is disappointed when Jared says he’s going back to Chad’s place, but Danneel gives him a noogie and races him to the taxi line. Jensen’s plans for the next day are sleep, more sleep and even more sleep.  
  
Chad disrupts this plan at the ridiculous hour of 11am.  
  
“What?” Jensen says sleepily when he answers Chad’s fifth call.  
  
“You have a meeting at two with the new manager of your gym.”  
  
“Oh,” Jensen says groggily. And then he realises what Chad just said. “Huh? Isn’t that Jared’s area? He deals with all of that and I…”  
  
“Sit at home watching ABC Family shows?” Chad finishes Jensen’s sentence, and Jensen detects an undercurrent of snark. “Yeah,  
he’s not doing that anymore. Nice job with the apology by the way.”  
  
“Is this your subtle way of telling me that you’ll break my legs if I screw up again?”  
  
Chad hangs up and texts him a ‘yes.’  
  
~  
  
Now that Jensen’s unemployed, he has to find a way to make himself look less lazy than he actually is. So he ends up going to lunches with the rest of the cast, and to some Tom Cruise movie premiere and roller blading and lots of stupid shit that Jensen has to pretend to enjoy.  
  
In the midst of all of this, he gets a tape from the producers of WizAlien. Upon further inspection, he realises that it’s the pilot episode.  
  
An idea springs to in his mind.  
  
“You want to do what?” Danneel says when Jensen tells her about his great idea. She’s on her treadmill and kind of sweaty, gross and obviously annoyed but Jensen needs her help.  
  
“I want to hold a premiere party for WizAlien, at my old house – our old house, which I still haven’t managed to sell by the way.”  
  
“You’re the one that fought for the house,” Danneel says in a sing song voice.  
  
  
“Yeah, yeah, can we get back to the party,” Jensen sighs. “I want it to be a thing. For Jared. To show that I’m sorry.”  
  
“Judging by the noises I hear in the wee hours of the morning, Jared’s forgiven you and then some.”  
  
“Are you going to help me or not?” Jensen asks.  
  
~  
  
Mark loves the idea. He loves it so much that he sends out invitations to a bunch of people that Jensen does not know and suddenly his impromptu surprise party for Jared turns to an actual premiere party for a show where Jensen wears a wizard hat with antennae sticking out of it. Danneel pats him on the back when she hears what Mark has done and tells him to lie and say that it’s Jared’s birthday.  
  
So suddenly his impromptu party for Jared turns into an actual premiere party slash surprise birthday party. Complete with a giant banner than says ‘ _happy birthday jarred_ ’ because the people at the party shop are incompetent.  
  
And that in turn makes it awkward when Jared gets back from playing tennis with Tom to find a bunch of people yelling ‘ _SURPRISE!_ ’ and throwing gifts into his arms.  
  
“What’s going on?” Jared murmurs after thanking the twentieth person who decides to interrupt their conversation. “My birthday isn’t until July.”  
  
“I know. I was attempting to throw you a surprise party, where we’d watch WizAlien, because I know how much you have been  _dying_  to see me humiliate myself in costume,” Jensen explains. “And then Mark found out and he invited all of these random people, and then I tried to get him to make them go away by saying that it was your birthday but—“  
  
“You’re contractually obligated to have this party in front of all the cameras?” Jared says.  
  
“Something like that,” Jensen says.  
  
“That’s cool,” Jared replies easily. “When does the viewing start? Do we have popcorn?”  
  
~  
  
The WizAlien pilot is…well, it’s kind of shit. If pressed to elaborate, Jensen would go as far as saying that WizAlien is an  _abomination_. The costumes look tacky, the lighting is bad, the CGI is deplorable, and the acting. Jensen wouldn’t say that he’s better than any of his co-stars but together they all kind of suck.  
  
“This is why I screwed up the table read, man,” says Jason, the original WizAlien. “This show blows.”  
  
“Who even invited you?” Jensen grumbles from his spot in the home theater that they’re watching the show in. Or, the movie, because upon learning that the show had been cancelled Cue Jones edited all of the editable footage into a 90 minute movie, so he could pitch it to SyFy.  
  
“WizAlien could be next  ** _Sharknado_**!” he says excitedly in the brief clip at the beginning of the tape.  
  
Jensen wishes that a shark was on hand to eat him right now.  
  
The only thing making this sorry situation better is the fact that Jared seems to be enjoying it, if the constant laughing fits are any indication. And that was the whole point of this, so Jensen can’t really be mad.  
  
 _“I’m not from here,” WizAlien says. “I’m from a land far, far away.”  
  
“Uh, what are you?” Fitzy Matthews asks. “You have…god, is that antennae sticking out of your head?”  
  
“I am WizAlien,” WizAlien says. “I am half alien, half wizard!! And I am the only one of my kind! It is good to meet you, Earthling!”  
  
Fitzy promptly passes out. _  
  
And that’s how Jensen goes from starring in a defunct TV show to starring in a SyFy Original movie that doesn’t have any sharks or anatomically impossible creatures in it.  
  
~  
  
The season finale is scheduled to take place at Alona and Aldis’ house. While things are still frosty between Alona and Jensen, he kind of bonded with Aldis in London. So when Jensen gets the script, he’s disappointed to see that he’s required to have a blow up with Aldis.  
  
“Can’t someone else get into an argument?” Jensen whines, looking towards Jared for some sympathy. Jared’s too busy frowning at his own script.  
  
“Who invited Tania?” he asks with a sigh.  
  
“I did,” Alona says cheerfully from her end of the table. “She’s my friend.”  
  
“She’s a pain in the ass,” Jensen grumbles as he briefly remembers the events of season one. Maybe he can get a plaque made up that says “You’re my least favourite ex-wife”.  _Bravo_  would love that.  
  
~  
  
They shoot the finale on a Saturday evening. After some strong objection from Aldis, the party is changed to a belated anniversary party, a decision that Jensen agrees with because not only does he not want to be surrounded by bright pink streamers and balloons, causing drama at a six year old's birthday party is tacky, even for  _Bravo_. Mark also vehemently insists that Jensen not sing his song, or go anywhere near a microphone or the band, much to Jared’s chagrin. So for the first hour, Jensen mingles with Danneel and chats with Jared. Jared’s gushing about how awesome the new restaurant is turning out to be and they make plans to fly out together to see it. Danneel watches the two of them with a strange expression on her face, and when Jensen asks her what’s up she merely shakes her head and smiles knowingly.  
  
“Are we sticking to the script or changing things up just to piss off Mark?” she asks as she sips at her glass of wine. “I need to get back at him for that whole bankruptcy scene. We had to shoot it three times because Alona kept on smirking.” Yeah, that sounds about right, Jensen thinks.  
  
“So, where are you taking me after the season’s done?” Jared says to Jensen, complete with a very lewd wink. It might even make Jensen blush a little.  
  
“Probably nowhere,” a voice says from behind them. “Jensen loves his downtime way too much to disrupt it for some Sun, sea an—“  
  
“And this was a private conversation,” Danneel says tightly. “Go leak more stories to reporters or something.” It’s Tania, and predictably she’s incapable of spending time in the same location as Jensen without actively seeking him out and inevitably giving him a headache.  
  
“You know what?” Jensen says to her. “You can talk it up with these two, I’m just going to go somewhere else and when you’re done they can come and find me.”  
  
~  
  
After Jensen stalks off, he ends up holding a glass of something and sulking beside some hideous, huge mountain of a cake. He notices that a decorative bow is missing and he snorts to himself. He might also be smirking, but only a little bit. Unfortunately for him, Alona just happens to be passing by and she notices his facial expression. She looks at the cake; and then she looks back at him. The smirk immediately falls from Jensen’s face. Shit. He catches sight of Jared a few yards away, sticking out like a sore thumb due to his height. He’s just about to make a break for it when Alona stops him.  
  
“You know, I get that we don’t like each other much, but this really takes the cake.” Jensen rolls his eyes and vows to get Mark back for this; only he would write in a ridiculous pun for a truly ridiculous scenario. “You can’t just sabotage someone’s cake!” People are starting to gather around and Jared and Danneel make their way over slowly. The music is still playing, Chris’ smooth country tones wafting over them as Alona glares at him.  
  
“What’s going on over here?” Jared sends Jensen a questioning look, but it’s Alona that answers.  
  
“He broke a bow off my cake!” Aldis joins her and sends Jensen the worst fake-angry expression he’s ever seen.  
  
“I did not,” he says indignantly. “It was like that when I got here.”  
  
“Look, we'll pay for any damages, hell we’ll pay for a new cake,” Jared butts in. “There’s no need to make this into a big scene.” The music has stopped now and there’s a quiet hush as the guest watch the argument unfold, whispering amongst themselves.  
  
“We will be doing no such thing!” Danneel says. “Alona, you’re being ridiculous. It’s a cake. There are 200 guests at this party and you’ve had this ridiculous vendetta against him from day one. Maybe you’re just accusing him because he’s an easy target.”  
  
“Are you accusing my wife of lying?” Aldis spits out as he jabs a finger in Danneel’s direction.  
  
“Aldis, man, don’t be like that,” Jensen says. Chris emerges then, pushing his way past the crowd, the heels of his boots clicking against the ground.  
  
“What’s happening here?”  
  
“Someone broke a bow off the cake, and Alona is upset,” Jared says conversationally.  
  
“I think she has a right to be upset,” comes a voice that sounds suspiciously like Tom Welling. Now Jensen has nothing against the guy, except for the fact that Tom obviously has something against him. And considering the fact that he and Mike keep to themselves and barely bother to show up to any of the events Jensen’s not sure why that is.  
  
“Is that you, Tom?” Jensen calls out. “Nice to see that not all of your invitations get lost in the mail!” Tom steps forward, with an annoyed look on his face.  
  
“Well, not all of us have the art of constant unemployment down; we actually have to work. We have bills to pay, and a 20,000 square feet house to maintain. By the way, how’s life in that tiny townhouse of yours?”  
  
“Oh, screw you,” Jensen retorts. Within the space of a few seconds Tom’s charging towards him and Jared is pulling him back. Jensen stumbles and accidentally barges into the table that’s holding the cake. It’s sways a little, stops and then it topples over. The table ends up on its side and the cake? Well, the cake lands in front of Alona and splatters all over her dress. Jensen takes a step back, and feels an arm circling around his waist. He can smell Jared's cologne so he doesn't freak out and elbow him in the gut or anything.  
  
"Okay, now that was me," he says with a shaky laugh. "And I will literally go out and buy you a replacement right now."  
  
"Just get out of my house!" Alona says, and oddly enough her voice is at a reasonable octave. "And please take your ex-wives with you." Jensen holds up his hands in defeat and turns to go back through the patio doors, with Jared hot on his heels. Or rather Jared, Tania and Danneel, which totally isn’t awkward; except apart from the part where it kind of is. The camera guy follows them all  
the way through the house to the exit and manages to catch Aldis giving Jensen a hug just before they leave.  
  
"We gotta go out for some beers sometime," he says quietly and Jensen nods his agreement.  
  
After, Tania waits with them as they wait for the limo to show up.  
  
"It was nice seeing you at lunch last week, Jared, we must do it again," she says into the silence. Jensen turns to face Jared, who is giving him his cutest, puppy dog face, complete with wide hazel eyes and the cute little line on his forehead.  
  
"It was when we weren't talking," Jared says quickly.  
  
"Uh, hello, if you wanted an ex-wife's shoulder to cry one, mine was available!" Danneel pokes Jared in the ribs and Jensen laughs. He sends a smirk in Tania's direction. And the he decides to be the bigger person.  
  
"Look, Tan, all of the arguing is getting old. Can we just call a truce. For now?" She eyes him suspiciously for a few seconds before her face changes. She looks resigned.  
  
"Fine," she says. "For now."  
  
And then,  
  
"I suppose that means that I should probably confess to breaking the bow off the cake."  
  
Jensen, Jared and Danneel turn to stare at her.  
  
"What?" she says. Jensen just shakes his head and smiles to himself ruefully, while slipping his hand into Jared's. It's funny in a way; he has three different stages of his life waiting with him out here. His mother might be disappointed in Jensen's life choices, but he's just glad that it hasn't been boring.  
  
"Ha!" Danneel breaks the silence. "I just realised that we've all seen Jensen naked." She laughs to herself like she thinks she's the next Sarah Silverman.  
  
"You're going to get a call from my mom when this airs," Jensen says in amusement. "She's going to give you her hour long lesson on public et---"  
  
"Etiquette." Danneel, Tania and Jared say the word at the same time.  
  
Yeah, so maybe this  _is_  a little bit weird.  
  
~  
  
 **The Reunion**  
  
 **Andy** :  _So Jensen, what exactly did you say to Jared to make him take you back? It can't just have been that godawful song you wrote?_  
  
 **Jared** : Ha, I'm just going to hijack the question. It was absolutely the song. Only someone who loves someone else unconditionally would offer themselves up for such public humiliation as a way of apology.  
  
 **Jensen** : I hate you.  
  
 **Andy** : Jonathan from Atlanta, Georgia says 'Alona, don't you think that you overreacted during the finale? It was just cake.  
  
 **Alona** : In hindsight, maybe. But me and Jensen weren't getting on at time and I was trying to be the perfect host and I let my emotions get the better of me.  
  
 **Jensen** : She's lying!  
  
 **Jared** : It was a $1200 cake, guys. I think she was justified. Jensen had to go. He ruined the centrepiece of the party.  
  
 **Alona** : Actually I found out later that it wasn't Jensen.  
  
 _[Camera cuts to show Tania breaking off the bow, and throwing it onto the grass.]_  
  
 **Alona** : So yeah, we've made up.  
  
 **Chris** : She said that she was SAWWWRYYYYY  _[hums intro of Jensen's song_ ]  
  
 **Jared** : [ _air guitar_ ]  
  
 **Jensen** : [ _facepalm_ ]  
  
 **Andy** : I think we are going to take a break here.  
  
~  
  
Mark comes onto the stage and yells at them. "This is not a joke. Stop joking. Stop laughing. I want tears, people. And drama. I have a bulk order of Visine if anyone needs help producing tears. _A. Bulk. Order_." He looks like he’s about to pop a vein and Jensen asks one of the assistants to get him some water or champagne or tranquilisers or something.  
  
With Mark looming backstage, things take on a serious note. They hear about Danneel’s bankruptcy drama and watch as she tries finding someone to sell of her shit on eBay.  
  
“You do realise that you can sell your stuff by yourself, right?” Tom is sitting on the other couch with a look of disdain on his face. Jensen would concede the guy’s point, but he’s seen Danneel’s living habits first-hand. She can’t organise anything without help.  
  
Unless, of course, it’s a collection of her shoes organised in order of price.  
  
Danneel’s season overview is followed by Tom and Mike’s and Jensen watches as they talk about their sex life and how Tom likes to role-play as Superman. He makes sure that his face remains impassive because he’s contractually obligated to watch all of the episodes so he can update his weekly blog, he's supposed to be aware of this. But usually he just gets Jared’s sister to tell him what happened. And sometimes he just bribes her to write his blog for him. She's just way wittier than he is.  
  
Chris talks about his season-long hunt for a VCR player that actually works, and some sort of weird backstory that Mark concocted about his childhood in England. Jensen's not sure why Chris keeps on getting weird storylines.  
  
“So Aldis, you didn’t think that Jensen was famous enough to merit a cover but…am I right in saying that the ‘The Hoff’ has featured on your cover before?” Andy looks amused.  
  
“You would be,” Aldis says, with an embarrassing look on his face. “In hindsight, we maybe should have given Jensen the cover.”  
  
“Okay,” Andy says with a smirk. “This season we were rocked by a scandal so huge, that I didn’t even know anything about it! It was revealed that Jared was drafted onto the show in order to make Jensen more appealing to the viewers. The fallout was epic. Take a look at this!”  
  
They all watch in silence as the events unfold on screen, and Jensen feels like a bigger asshole than he did before.  
  
He kind of wishes that he’d watched the episodes now, because he’s sitting here and almost on the verge of tears. Mark waves a bottle of Visine in front of his face from the side-lines but Jensen pretends not to see him.  
  
“Jensen’s upset about losing his job,” Jared is saying onscreen. “I can’t make him talk to me and avoid the paparazzi at the same time. This is insane.”  
  
“Just give him some time,” Danneel says back. Eventually the video cuts to Jensen performing his now infamous song. It’s still as terrible as it’s always been, but hey, he gets points for effort, right?  
  
“Oh my god, make it stop,” Jensen says, and they all start laughing.  
  
Andy grins; the fucking bastard gets off on embarrassing people. He says, “So how are things between the two of you now? Kristy from Phoenix, Arizona says, ‘ _I tried so hard to be mad about the whole fake relationship thing, but it’s obvious that the guys are MFEO_!’”  
  
“We’re good,” Jared says with a smile.  
  
“And we want to say sorry to the fans for leading them on,” Jensen says. “My agent thought that I’d be more likeable on camera with a boyfriend, plus it was a requirement for the show. But that doesn’t make it okay. So we’re sorry for that. And I’m sorry for putting Jared through the wringer. My mom totally yelled at me over the phone when she saw the episodes.”  
  
Andy looks over at Danneel. “Did you also get a phone call from Jensen’s mom, about how to behave in public?”  
  
“I got one from her  _and_  my mom,” Danneel laughs.  
  
~  
  
“I’m quitting acting,” Jensen says one evening when he’s lying in bed with Jared. “From now on, I will be known as ‘Jensen Ackles, former actor’.” Jared’s sitting up, reading something on his Kindle and at first he just hums in response. And then he realises what Jensen’s just said.  
  
“Wait, what?” he says. “What are you going to do if you’re not acting anymore?”  
  
Jensen shrugs. “I don’t know. What do retired actors usually do with their lives?”  
  
“Drugs. Or they become priests. Some do reality TV, but you’ve already done that. Unsuccessful music careers—“  
  
“Jared, I’m being  _serious_ ,” Jensen says. He tries to keep the hurt out of his voice, but it must show on his face because Jared puts his e-reader down and grabs Jensen’s hand.  
  
“Sorry,” he says contritely. “What is it that you want to with your life?”  
  
“Well…I was thinking of going into directing, but I have no experience and no one to really help me learn how to do it properly.” It’s only a recent development, but Jensen thinks that maybe he could be good at it. All he could really think about during WizAlien is how it could have been saved with better directing, and he’s been toying with the idea since then.  
  
“Give Chad a call,” Jared suggests. “He might be able to help. Though he’s still pissed that you turned down a chance to star in ‘ _CSI: New Jersey_ ’.”  
  
“He knows how I feel about procedurals, and everyone knows how I feel about  _CSI_!” Jensen argues his case and Jared shakes his head fondly. Jared’s right though, Chad might be able to help him out. There might be a college course he can do to get the know-how, and maybe some teen starlet’s management will let him direct their music video.  
  
~  
  
After yelling at Jensen for what feels like an entire month, Chad not only manages to get Jensen some classes, but he also scores a potential script that’ll require Jensen to be actor/director. It’s not long, it’s just a short, but Jensen’s still ridiculously excited. He finds it kind of ironic that the  _Bravo_  cameras aren’t following him around now that he’s actually doing something, but it is definitely for the best. Things with Jared go well, though some days it feels like he never gets to see his boyfriend, which kind of sucks.  
  
Eventually, Jared hands over the reins of his second restaurant to someone else. Danneel finally moves out, and into her new boyfriend’s apartment. Jensen makes Jared give the guy the whole ‘ _if you hurt her etc_ ’ speech, because Danneel’s convinced that Jensen’s been deliberately scaring guys off.  
  
He hasn’t. Well, not really.  
  
Anyway, he and Jared finally have the house to themselves again, and they spend the two days after Danneel leaves re-christening the place  _thoroughly_. When they eventually come up for air, they’re lying on the living room floor, naked save for the blanket that Jared had thrown on top of them. Jensen’s back is starting to get a little stiff, but Jared’s warm and fits perfectly in his arms so he kind of doesn’t want to move. They kiss lazily for a while, and Jensen starts to feel a little sleepy. That’s probably why ends up blurting out,  
  
“What would you say if I asked you to be my third wife?” It’s so out of the left field that the fatigue he was feeling seconds earlier quickly falls away. Jared doesn’t seem to catch on to what Jensen really means and he huffs out a laugh against Jensen’s bare chest.  
  
“Is this your subtle way of saying that I need to get a haircut?”  
  
“It’s my very unsubtle way of asking you to marry me,” Jensen says, sitting up slowly. “I think.”  
  
Jared also sits up, and there’s an odd smile on his face.  
  
“You think?”  
  
“Yes!!” Jensen practically shouts. It’s kind of ridiculous that their roles are reversed here. He’s asking Jared to sort or marry him while freaking out, and Jared’s just looking at him and not freaking out.  
  
“I kind of don’t want to be ex-husband number one,” Jared tells him with a shaky laugh. Jensen quickly revises his whole not freaking out opinion.  
  
“You won’t be, I mean, in case you have noticed my last two marriages were to women, and I’m 100% into dick. They were never going to work.”  
  
“Point taken,” Jared says.  
  
“My first two marriages didn’t work out because neither of them were the right people,” Jensen says. “And well, you are the right person for me. You put up with my crazy moods, you spent three days trying to talk to me even though I didn’t say a word back, you cook for me, you buy me baked goods and let me eat for free in your restaurant, you liked WizAlien, and you left the only positive comment that it has on  _IMDb_. And I’ll probably screw up sometimes, and you might screw up sometimes – because, hey, nobody’s perfect and----“  
  
“Fine!” Jared cuts in. “I’ll marry you.” He says it all nonchalantly, but bright grin on his face kind of gives his true feelings away.  
  
“Oh my god. I can’t…I—I’m so glad that you—God, I need to call my mom,” Jensen says, which is different from his first two marriages. In both cases his reaction had been something along the lines of, ‘Hey so, wait here while I call my publicist.” Right now he’s not even coherent. That’s all he really needs to tell himself that he’s made the right call here.  
  
“Just so you know, your proposal gets a 5/10,” Jared says after he manages to retrieve his phone from his jeans pocket. “No ring, you didn’t get down on one knee, you didn’t ask my parents for permission, the candles went out like two hours ago, there was no romantic music---and you sort of asked me to be your wife.”  
  
“Is this what our marriage is going to be like?” Jensen says. “You mocking me endlessly despite the fact that I can’t help being kind of inept at anything that requires an excessive amount of emotion.”  
  
“Yes,” Jared says as he leans over to kiss Jensen. It starts off soft and gentle but Jensen deepens it, and pulls Jared back down on top of him. There’s no time like the present for just-got-engaged-sex, after all.  
  
~  
  
Later, Jensen will ask himself why he didn’t catch himself before he went all out and actually proposed.  
  
Later, he’ll realise that Mark is an evil bastard who – despite Jared’s protestations – deserves to be buried alive.  
  
And later, he’ll come to the conclusion that being a Bridezilla (or Groom-Mothra, in his case) is a medical condition that people should take seriously.  
  
But all of that is a story for another time, and right now Jensen’s just going to bask in the glow of being engaged to the man that he loves.  
  
 **The End**  
  
 _End notes_ : This is the most self-indulgent fic, ever. Haha. So, I’m probably going to write another one. I outright stole the [cake debacle from RHOC](http://videos.videopress.com/VTORjHu8/heather-cake-ruined_std.mp4) because it's still one of the most dumbest things I've ever seen, lol.  
  
  



End file.
